宁王府

(May our love ones be healthy and happy)

人生真是一件很可笑和矛盾的事物。

My life has been a mess lately. Making bad judgement call seems to become a pattern--my pattern. LOL, I’m being negative again, ain’t I? (Some brainiac would bug me if he sees this~)

Couldn’t sleep after meeting my friends today. It did feel good to see friends, to be surrounded by friends. Even though I had a great night, I still found myself wandered around on the street in downtown Toronto alone. I was sad. After all the trouble and heart ache I' have been through, I am still alone. I ran all the way from China, acrossed half of the globe, to Canada to start a new life, to find love, to fall in love. There I was, still alone and unfulfilled. I thought I had found the right guy. Yet, I am still alone. Now I start to doubt myself. Is it me? Am I the one who has problems? Why am I always attracted to the guys that I couldn’t have a future with? Why am I always attracted to the guys who don’t really want to settle down? Am I not good enough? Not good enough for the guys I have been with? Is there something wrong with me? It seems to me that the guys I like, they are always looking for more. I have been feeling that my life has been messed up since I left China.

I know, that’s just a part of my life, a very small part of my life. Actually, it couldn’t even represent my life because, deep down, I know that I have done a lot of things right since the moment I decided to come to Canada. I finally started fighting my way to the life I want, the one I’ve always wanted--a future. I came a long way from a English rookie who couldn’t even construct a proper sentense to a rookie who could communicate with others despite some grammar mistake. I got myself through the MBA program even though it was not really the thing I wanted. I got myself a job even though it was not something I want to do for the rest of my life. But they are a start. A start that gets the life I have been dreaming started. A start that could be considered as a milestone for me. Why should I doubt myself just because a few morons who think that I am not good enough for them, a few cowards who want to have sex with other guys? I shouldn’t. My love life might have been a little messed up. But my life is certainly not.

‘Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.’ This line from Grey’s Anatomy dawned on me tonight. Nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistake. Life is not perfect. Everyone have a bit up and down in their lives. But mistake makes us smarter, up and down makes us stronger. Life goes on. I know, I am not the kind of guy who could easily move on. But I know, I will get there. I know…

大学学习终于告一段落了，虽然最后有一门课程还“生死未卜”，不过那也不是现在担心就可以解决的问题。所以管他呢～

终于搬来多伦多开始新的生活了。前阵子的确有很多很多不如意，不幸的事情发生在自己身上。回想当时，压力特别大，自己好像处于快精神崩溃的边缘。感情不顺，学习不如意，工作无下落，手机掉了，就连考个车牌也居然要考两次。工作签证的申请居然不见了，还要重新寄送申请，这居然还发生在正式工作开始前的3个星期。一大堆一大堆的事情发生接二连三的发生在自己身上，既破财，心灵又受伤。当时整个人都变得非常悲观，什么事情都会只往坏的方向去想，跟自己平常那种少根筋的乐观大相径庭。

不过现在情况终于慢慢一点一点的好转起来的了。工作签证出来了，也可以了去一件心事。心情也慢慢地恢复，伤口也慢慢愈合了。圣诞节快到了，新年也快到了，希望新年有个新的好的开始吧。

Finally, all the school and academic study is over now. Although there's still one course is hanging in the air and I'm not sure whether I would pass that, I don't care now. And frankly, it's not a problem that could be solved just by worrying about it.

I start moving to Toronto now, hopefully the process would be done by next Monday. Moving is always a pain in the ass for me. There were lots of bad stuff happened to me in the past several weeks. I felt like that I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown because of all the pressure and shitty stuff that had happened to me. My relationship turned into a disaster, school study was a mess, couldn't find a co-op placement that I desired, lost my cellphone, and even the freaking driver licence took me two times to pass it. My co-op work permit application got lost even though it reached the destination according to the carrier and I needed to submit another application. I only found out all that only 3 weeks before my co-op job starts. Those shitty things happened one after another, it was like that I stepped into a fu*king mine field, it's just keep exploding. They cost me money, broke my heart. I became this very negative person, who would only focus and magnify the bad stuff, which was completely opposite of my charactor.

Things are becoming better. My work permit was finally approved and mailed to my school. I become happier and return to be myself. My wound is healing, my heart is healing. Christmas and new year are coming, I hope it's a new beginning and a good one for me.